If I could go back in time and give 12/13 year old me any advice it would be: quit looking for wedding rings on the fingers of fat women. You aren’t defined by what someone else wants from your body or what someone else feels about you. So just stop it. Be yourself and create yourself.
I’m 32 years old now and still haven’t figured this out.
I struggled hard with my body image and idea of self as a kid. I think we all do in one form or another. Point being – I didn’t yet understand back then that the world was teaching me that as a fat girl (yes, I said it) I was of less value than other people. I was just beginning to understand that I was being taught to hate myself by everything that surrounded me on a daily basis and I had no idea that those lessons would haunt me forever. I had no idea how far the self hate would go.
I was told that I was going to need to learn to “settle” for what I could get romantically, that “beggars can’t be choosers” in the realm of love, that I was “too vanilla”, “too boring”, and “for everything you won’t do – there are 10 other girls who will”. My boundaries were bullshit, my self identity was bullshit, and my comfort zones were meant to be crossed. My self worth would be defined by how long I kept my hair (or not), how often I did my nails (or not), how well I did my makeup (or not) and if my body was desirable.
I was not taught that my mind needed to be desirable. I was not taught that my boundaries were my own and any respectful person who I’d want to be with would either have to help me learn to expand my comfort zones slowly OR would have to deal with where I would land. I was not taught to respect myself. I was not taught to love myself. I was not taught to find my worth in the things I AM rather than the things I could do. Those were things I wound up having to learn on my own.
I have never, ever, ever, in the history of my life had any problem with guys “knocking down my door” so to speak. My lack of dating experience (I’ve had a couple boyfriends and 1 husband, but that’s it) is because I’m super picky about the people I let in my life. Super picky. As in if I like you back, it’s a miracle picky. If I like you a LOT back, it’s even more of a miracle. It rarely happens. However, if you looked at my pictures and my history on paper, you’d likely assume that I have limited experience because guys aren’t interested in me. Couldn’t be further from the case.
It’s this glowing personality *fans self*. In all seriousness, it’s because I’m me. I don’t have any qualms with being me. I refuse to dislike myself. I refuse to hate myself. I choose to care for others and I choose to love when it happens. “A light in the dark”, as Alex and everyone I’ve ever known still call me.
I won’t go back to the complete and utter lack of confidence of my past. I will not allow others to dictate my path. I will create my own destiny.
And Gods help the next guy I fall for. He’s in for a world of confident, badass, sweet, sexy Sara as I was always intended to be. I will be the calm brook or the raging fire.
Most importantly: I’m going to be me. I’m going to do me. And no one can stop me anymore.
