People started talking about it literally the day my late husband died.
The. Same. Day.
I’d repeat that for dramatic effect but I hope all the drama I need is already there.
Can you imagine what it is like to be making the plans to bury/cremate your spouse while people are trying to wrap their brains around your grief? While people are trying to cram you into boxes of stereotypes? While everyone around you wonders how you will survive this…how you will be after this…how you will love after this?
Seriously: I spent the first few months after Alex’s death trying to remember if I’d drank a glass of water during the day, if I’d remembered to eat something, if I’d remembered all of the bills, and if I was forgetting anything important. My world was complete and utter chaos, my thoughts were complete and utter chaos, and I had people around me who wanted to know what my future romantic plans were and if I still planned on trying to have children at some point.
Then time passed and eventually, slowly, I started to realize that I was wondering about it, too. It’s hard not to. And over time it also became a very popular topic of conversation at my widow and widower’s group that I run every month. So…incoming Virgo moment: I decided to begin researching Dating, Relationships, and Love after Loss. I figured this would be a pretty cut and dry topic but it turned out to be quite the opposite.
What I found was a train wreck of information scattered across the web that either made no sense, didn’t apply to the situation, or was straight up insulting.
I’m not kidding. If one more person told me that widows and widowers who are TRULY happy with their spouses usually date and marry again within a year or at least very quickly, I might have just started throat punching them.
With that, I decided to take the few decent gems of information I found and compile my own list of “Rules” and advice – not just for those who are Widowed, but also for those who are trying to enter our lives.
Rule 1: Be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for. Are you wanting to test the waters with just a few casual dates? Okay. Are you wanting to try random hook ups for nothing but sex for a while? Okay. Are you looking to be serious and potentially go for the long haul again? Okay. The important thing is that whatever it is – you’re aware of it, you accept it, and you are honest about it with yourself and, probably just as important, your new potential love interest. And remember, too, what you’re looking for can and probably will change! Which brings me to…
Rule 2: Do whatever you can to not compare your previous relationships with anything new. Oooh…yeah, I said it. Comparing your new love interest to your marriage/relationship with your spouse isn’t anywhere near the ballpark of fair. Don’t get me wrong – comparing is going to happen. We all do it. The important thing is in how you compare: i.e. “Wow, *spouse* would never have done anything like that. I don’t like that one bit because of that” vs “Okay..well…that’s new and different. I’m going to have to see how I feel about that”. Be open to things being different. Remember what new relationships feel like? With all the exploring and getting to know each other? Yeah…you’re doing it again. I know you never wanted to and didn’t think you’d have to…but here we are.
Rule 3: Be cautious, and I don’t mean with your heart necessarily. Let’s face it: we live in a different type of world now. Sure, people have been assholes for the entirety of eternity, but we have to acknowledge the change of the tides here. People aren’t always what they seem. People aren’t always going to be honest with you. People are going to break your heart, wreck your expectations, and break your heart. It goes without saying that there are people out there who will try to take advantage of your situation. I’ve seen this happen multiple times now and it still makes me ill: Don’t give people money, try to not tell everyone you meet that you now live alone, and be aware of who you are letting into your life. Google is a great tool for figuring out if you’re being lied to or not. I highly suggest that you use it.
Rule 4: Understand that insecurity is going to be a big part of your life from here on out and it’s up to you how you handle it. Losing a spouse can bring around a lot of different feelings of inadequacy and this is something you need to acknowledge to yourself and your new partners. As a widow, society labels us as broken and fragile. It’s important that any potential new suitors be aware of what’s going on in your head: You may still be feeling depressed sometimes, you may still be sad sometimes, you may feel worthless, you may feel ugly, and you may have given in to this notion that there is something irrevocably wrong with you. Make sure that your new interest knows you may need a little bit of reassurance every now and again and be frank about how you need that to happen.
Rule 5: COMMUNICATE. Holy crap. This one shouldn’t have to be on this list but I know it does. I catch myself doing this. I know many people who have expressed this in our community as well. It’s hard to talk about what’s going on with us after a while. We start to feel like a broken record, that we’re annoying, and that we’re burdens. This isn’t true, and it especially isn’t true with anyone you’re thinking of dating. Most of us had a “language” all of our own with our late spouses. Personally, one of the things that hurts me most now is not feeling that mental connection with my late husband where we’d both get creeped out by how well we could read what the other was thinking. We, as the widowed person, have to remind ourselves in new dating/relationships that that takes time to happen and even when it does…open your mouth and talk. Are you not sure where you stand? Are you feeling insecure? Are you scared? Are you happy? Are you uneasy? Are you wanting clarification on something? Awesome! That other person can’t read your mind, though, and you have to get past the fear of their answer. You’ve been through scarier things than voicing how you feel, right? Of course you have. Stand up and scream it from the roof if you have to, but be open and honest. It’s probably more important now than ever.
And to you, the person who might have asked for more information about dating a Widow/Widower…there’s some stuff you’re going to need to know as well.
Rule 1: Be honest about what you’re looking for. I’m not copying and pasting this, it’s just the most important of the rules on both sides. Do you like to play games? Yes? Then check yourself at the door and don’t make the entrance into this arena. In all the research, in all the articles, and in all of the discussions, at least one person will tell you this: A widowed person is a LOT LESS likely to deal with your petty, gamey, melodramatic, hurtful bullshit. Just be honest. Do you want a serious relationship? Are you looking for something that’s purely physical? Are you not sure but are wanting to explore over time? Great! Whatever you truth is, just be prepared to share it. Honesty is truly the only rule that makes any difference.
Rule 2: Please be aware of how special you are. I can’t stress this enough, nor do I think I can explain it well enough…You are the person we’re choosing to go through this again for. Can you picture that? Can you imagine what that takes? If the person you’re interested in is a widow or a widower and have chosen to give you the time of day, let alone a piece of their heart, I would hope you understand the implications of that. We understand that if you get serious with us, one of us will ultimately be “going” first…which means we’re making the conscious decision to go through the pain again if it means getting to have you and it means asking you to go through it should we go before you. A lot of people have said that they always wonder if they’d have been chosen as a partner if the widowed person’s late spouse was still alive. Make no mistake about it..the answer to that is no. You couldn’t have been. Most of us would likely still be happily married to our partners had they survived..but we’re well aware that they didn’t. You’re not a replacement, so please don’t act like you have to be. We’re choosing you now. The people we have become after walking out of the fire are choosing you and are hoping for a future we didn’t realize still existed. Honor that.
Rule 3: Don’t make it a taboo to talk about our late spouses. Now…I’m not saying that you should be prepared for the other person to get name dropped every 2 seconds. I’m saying that it’s important for the healing process to understand that losing someone to their death is a lot different than someone having walked out the door on us. Please, please, please don’t make your widowed person feel like crap for this. If you truly feel like you’re being held to a different standard or that what’s happening is excessive? Say something. Just don’t be a jerk about it.
Rule 4: Please be aware that we may be a bit more worried about you than you’re used to having happen. We’re not trying to nag you. We’re not trying to control you. We’re trying to make sure you’re okay. It’s important for you to know that the last time I watched the man I love walk out of a door? He didn’t come back. Yes, we will be worried that we will lose you. We’ll worry about your drives to and from work, we’ll worry about that seemingly benign cut you got earlier in the day, we’ll worry that every phone call will be the one letting us know you’re gone. If you can’t handle that? You’re going to need to be honest with yourself about it. Again, if it’s excessive and you get uncomfy..please do say something! Just be aware that your person is going to be ultra-sensitive to the idea of the unthinkable happening again.
Rule 5: Each situation is different. Each widowed person is different, just like you are. Get to know us, get to know our situations, and love us for who we are. Treat us like you would treat anyone else and don’t be afraid to be yourself. We’re falling for you, too, and it’s scary. It’s so scary. But it’s also worth it, and we know it. We just hope you do, too.
