I haven’t written much in the last few months as I wrapped my brain around the severe life changes that came at me with no warning almost 2 years to the day since the last one. Gods, what a whirlwind.
Let’s start with the simple run down: My supervisory position, along with all of the positions for my staff on the East coast, were eliminated in August/September of this year. I struggled for weeks with finding potential jobs in Ohio and was hearing absolutely nothing back. With that…I decided to sell the house and make the big move back West. Mom and our 2 cats also came out here with me. I started looking for jobs out in Seattle and got 5 or 6 interviews right off the bat, including some positions I’d been coveting since I lived here before. Those are still pending, however, I did just land an awesome new job and will be leaving UHC on December 10th after almost 4 years with the company. Mom and I moved into our new apartment in Everett in mid-November after a week long drive cross country with the boys in the backseat the whole way. We stopped in St. Robert, Missouri – Holbrook, AZ – Amarillo, TX – Bakersfield, CA – Arcata, CA – Portland, OR – and then finally made our way up here. I missed the rain and the overcast. I missed complaining about the traffic congestion. I missed the ocean. I missed everything. And it is finally coming back to me now, the feeling of being totally home again. My mind and my body feel more at peace than they have in a long time…I don’t think I realized how much of myself I’d lost.
It has been hard, too, though. My position being eliminated and losing that was a hard blow after how hard I’d worked for it. Watching my staff struggle was and is even harder. Making the decision to leave UHC just about threw me for the biggest loop, but I am at peace with it now. It is time for a new chapter in my life after spending the last 2 years searching for and trying to heal the broken pieces. Being here without Alex is a double edged sword. There aren’t any echos of him here like there were in Arcata while we visited there earlier last month. Washington feels like home to me and feels altogether foreign again at the same time. I’ve had to re-visit the agony of my life here more times than I can count in the last month and it hurts to remember: We were only happy here briefly. I was only happy here briefly. My life was only calm for a few months after the move here before the fear began again, the hospital stays began again, the uncertainty, the curling myself into a ball in the closet or the shower to cry where Alex couldn’t see me so he wouldn’t know that his resident Secretary Badass Wife *tm was terrified all the time. Those are the echoes I’m contending with right now. I hear my own screams for help when I pass by the hospital..and am actively working to poke that trauma as hard as I can to get rid of that cloud.
The anxiety and heart palpitations have gotten significantly better now that the move is over. My own health is improving again – both physical and mental: I can feel that. And that’s how I know I’m on the right path.
In December, when the days are at their shortest, we begin to ask for and welcome the light back into our lives as the wheel turns. I’d like to think that this year has been all about circling back out of the darkness for me, waiting for the light to come back through. And it is coming through…one day at a time.
