I think it is well documented in these pages by now that I struggle hard with insecurity and uncertainty in my day-to-day. It’s been a constant for me as long as I can remember with brief interludes here and there. I have days where I feel like I’m invincible and where it is really, really easy to distract the negative thought trains from playing. I can remind myself – without qualm – that my inner voice is frequently completely and utterly wrong.
And then there’s days like today. Or well…days like the last few months. I noticed that I often feel like I’m touching walls with a lot of the people around me anymore. I can almost feel the concrete slamming up into my face with a few, and my internal dialogue reminds me that this process is inevitable. I convinced myself a very long time ago that I didn’t need to be important to other people, even if they meant the world to me, and thus it would be easier to let the heartbreak roll off me.
The trouble with this – of course – is that it doesn’t work like that. Defense mechanisms only work for so long. And this is a major defense mechanism. I realized today that the walls I’m touching so frequently are my own. How deeply I feel for people catches me off guard and scares me. I then wind up acting awkward and then at some point convince myself that the best thing I can do for everyone is not exist in their space. And I’ll pull back so hard it feels like whiplash. I don’t know how else to explain it: My inner dialogue toward myself is mean. Very mean. Childishly mean. And also childishly wrong.
I’d love to tell you here and affirm that I will never have these thoughts again…that the urge to double and triple check if the state of my being is okay…that the desire to just ask one more time if everyone and I are “okay” will suddenly disappear. I know it doesn’t work like that either. It’s going to take me time. But I’m working on it. Slowly but surely, I’ll break down these walls rather than just touch them.
