I was afraid of this.
No, seriously, I was. I knew that the counselor was going to suggest doing a flip side to the “what I hate most” about myself and make me do this. I’d work with clients to make a list of things that make them unique and that they like/appreciate about themselves as part of treatment plans before, too. I used to refer to this as my ammo (when I’d do it for myself) and have done lists like this to reference previously. It’s just been a long time.
So what makes me unique in my little corner of the world? I don’t know that anything really does, honestly, but there are some I can think of that have made me stand out over the years. They’re also things I genuinely like about myself:
- I do not, under any circumstance, seek to change the people I care about. I don’t believe in “project” people. I don’t believe in “starter/practice” relationships. I don’t believe for one minute that anyone has the right to change anything about another person they say they love and care for. You can dislike stuff someone does, sure, but to try to change something fundamental to who they are? No. Just no. That’s not love. That’s possession. And it’s gross.
- I will never accept the idea that jealousy is a sign of love. Ever. It’s also a sign of possession. Again, you can’t love someone and try to smother them at the same time. It doesn’t work like that for anyone you’re around ever. Especially romantic relationships. I know who’s bed your crawling into at the end of the night and that’s seriously all that matters to me. If I can’t trust you, what’s the point? And also…if another person flirts with my significant other and my significant other gives into it? The fault is on my SO, not the person trying to get them. Takes 2 to tango.
- Which brings me to my next point and something I get a lot of flack for: It isn’t cheating if you know it’s happening. I know a lot of people who do the whole “I don’t care if they are with other people” thing and don’t mean it. I’m one of the few who has put this into practice and legitimately doesn’t care. Sex is sex, emotions are emotions. They don’t always coincide. Now…if you are going to someone else to get your emotional needs met? We need to re-evaluate this. It’s not a sign of me having self-esteem issues. It’s not a sign of me having a lack of self worth. It’s purely that I understand that sometimes there are things I’m not capable of providing another person. *shrugs*
- I am FIERCELY loyal to family, friends, and my personal morals. I rarely give in to peer pressure and I’ve yet to ever do something in my life, ever, where I didn’t think I was doing the right thing/what I wanted to do at the time. That doesn’t wane for me. It never has. When I like someone and am trying to build something with them, I don’t get attracted to other people (romantic relationships) and I don’t sell out anybody who I care about. I also don’t sell myself out and the idea of backtracking on who I am repulses me.
- I don’t seek to hurt others. Quite the opposite, really. I don’t mind the idea of bowing out gracefully from any of my relationships if I think for even a half second the other person is going to be happier without me. Now…I say that, but I will also say this: Part of this is my occasionally checking that I am in the same spot with people. I will straight up ask if “we’re okay” when I’m not sure because I do occasionally need that reassurance.
- My friends and family know they can talk to me. I’m an open book. I try really hard to not overtake everything and I pride myself on being a “safe and comfortable” spot for people to park their darkness. It doesn’t bother me.
- I mentioned in the other article that I’m sensitive to people’s behavior. This is a double edged sword. I do hate it, but there are times when it comes in handy and I’m glad I’ve been able to save myself a world of hurt with anticipating changes/seeing them coming.
- I was an amazing Girlfriend/Wife. That is something even my negative thoughts can’t take away from me. I may have mixed feelings about certain decisions but at the end of the day…I’m usually the girl that gets away. And that sucks but does make me happy. I’m not the one who generally ruins things in my relationships. Quite the opposite. And what I’m finding now is that that particular thing is scary to a lot of men…and I don’t care.
- I have grown a lot in being responsible in my life. I go to work. I pay my bills. I cook. I clean. I do all the things I’m supposed to do and I am happy to do so.
- I really do hate partying. I’d rather have a nice meal with a few friends and just relax. That makes me happy and refills my batteries.
- I sometimes feel like I’m extremely boring but, actually, one of my favorite things about myself is that I can be extremely passionate about the people, things, and places that bring me joy. I don’t get that “zing” often and when I do, I treasure it.
- I am random. I ask random questions. I do random things. I am predictably unpredictable. And that keeps me on my toes but also, I hope, gives those around me something to look forward to as well.
- I am compassionate and empathetic. I also have been able to create amazing boundaries and stick to them at all costs. I do not, and I stress this probably most of all, let people walk all over me like I used to. I’ll bend over backward and deal with my own discomfort for the people in my life but there will be a point where I will put down the banhammer. And people who I don’t care about? Literally not one qualm about telling them which short pier to take a long walk off of. I have learned to protect myself while also being flexible enough to let most stuff fall off me. I do have a limit, though. And I enjoy having my limits.
I’ll add to this list as time goes on, I think, but as of right now…13 will have to do. Hopefully the next step in this isn’t “make a list of areas you’d like to improve on” because I will scream if it is lol
I am feeling a lot better though. I don’t know what it is about having an official diagnosis that made it easier to accept what’s happening in my mind all the time, but it does. It gave me a goal post. And I’m not going to fight getting the help I need anymore.
Hopefully this continues. We shall see. I’m keeping myself open to it 🙂
