2019.
How the hell did we get here already, 10 years post the decision that would change my life completely and utterly forever?
I was 23 years old, my nephew had just been born, I was starting my last semester of college and preparing for my Genogram project that was due in March, and I had just bought my ticket to fly out to California to meet Alex in person for the first time. I was going to be there from March 2nd to the 9th and then come home with no expectations of anything going beyond that. I was staying at his apartment for the duration of the trip and taking in the sights of extremely northern California for the week. I was going to see the ocean for the first time. I was going to try sushi for the first time ever. I was going to get to see the Redwoods up close and in person, talk to a few different professors at HSU about Alex’s time there as a fisheries biology major but also possibly transferring out there for my social work degree at some point. I was going to ride a bus for the first time since I was little, finally find out how awesome Costco and WinCo were, and fall absolutely head over heels in love with everything around me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my whole concept of where I belonged in my life was going to completely shift. I’d never let the idea of moving from Michigan enter my consciousness until I stepped off that plane into the foggiest, windiest city I’d never been in and couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
And here we are…10 years later….I’m 33, a seasoned professional in my field, living back in Seattle after a 2 year hiatus back to the MidWest, and finding myself falling in love with where I am (both as a person and geographically) again. It’s been challenging and at times almost impossible for me, but I’m standing here with all of my battle scars wondering how it was that I lost my adoration for my life and the things I’ve experienced as I look back on it. Who I am now and what I’m doing and experiencing now are so violently different from anything I could have foreseen happening back then.
I sometimes wish I could go back and talk to myself for a minute…tell myself to sit down and hold on tight because the next decade of our life was not going to disappoint with the drama and all the changes. We were going to make it – maybe sometimes doubting ourselves – but we were going to make it out okay nonetheless. 23 year old me was fearless, impulsive but contemplative, and knew what she wanted: to get out, explore, learn, breathe, and be. I wanted to find myself and grab the life I wanted to make by the horns. And that’s exactly what I did. Fuck caution. Fuck negativity. Fuck everybody who ever doubted I could do anything. I was going to show them all what I was made of and people would be in awe of what I was capable of when I put my mind to it.
And 10 years later? I think the person most in awe of what I can do when I’m engaged and not second guessing is myself. The wisdom that has come along with my age and maturity tells me that was the goal all along. I didn’t have anything to prove to anyone but myself. I’m still doing it. And I’m still rocking it every chance I get.
So…in 2029, when 43/44 year old me looks back at this and has so many more stories to tell again, I hope we come to the same conclusion: We’re badass. Total and complete badass. And we can do anything, anything, anything at all with the right encouragement and the ability to let ourselves go the way that feels most right. It’s never steered me wrong before. It won’t start now.
