When my life begun to spin in a semi-controlled way almost 5 years ago, I largely learned to embrace the chaos. I employed every coping skill in my arsenal, every survival skill I could muster, and put on a brave face and a beautiful smile for the world every day. It was the ultimate Fake it Until you Make It moment for me and it worked VERY well for a long time. I still do it. It still works for the vast majority. What I’ve learned now, however, is that I’m a hypocrite. I have spent years advising others to not worry about what they can’t control and to instead focus on what is “in their lane”. Over the last 2 1/2 years, I have employed this very little.
Cue going into counseling finally beginning earlier this fall/winter: You all know why I started. You all have seen the aftermath of my starting. I have now completed the last of the 6 sessions I was able to do and am starting the search for a potential new counselor with my new insurance and such from my new job as well. I wasn’t expecting to feel even slightly close to my more normal self after starting this, but I do. My counselor helped me walk myself through what I would do for a client essentially and that helped me trick my brain back into “wtf is wrong with me?” mode.
She wasn’t all that excited about my “what I like most about myself” homework assignment outcome. She challenged me to re-think it and pointed out that I had essentially spent hours agonizing over what could be broken down into a simple statement: What I like most about myself is that I’m not a douche bag to other people. She challenged me again to re-write what I find good about myself without including anything about any other person. My center of focus has always been those around me, or so she says, and it showed. My discomfort with putting myself under a microscope shone through the assignment like I’d poked holes in paper and put a spotlight through it.
I’m still working on this, so pardon the dust, but what I have so far:
- I love animals and animals tend to love me. Bugs, too. I don’t know why that is, either. I’ve yet to find a spider I didn’t find fascinating.
- I do not gross out easy. I consider this to be one of my favorite character points.
- I wonder at things. I find a lot of joy in laying back on the ground and watching clouds pass by or watching the stars/night sky. I love running my fingers over soft things I see when I’m out and about. I can look at art for hours, read poetry, listen to music, and all of it hits my pleasure centers with an urgency that is hard for me to explain.
- I work hard. This is not for other people but is for myself. I don’t like feeling like I’m not useful or that I’m not making a difference somewhere. I put my nose to the grindstone and can and do work circles around others. I have my whole life and career.
- I play hard, too. I don’t always get to indulge in the things that make me happy but I make an effort to do so. I have started putting myself as a priority in my life this way.
- I don’t scare easy. What I mean by that is that it is difficult for me to hold questions or comments or whatever in as it relates to things and people around me. I don’t understand it when people hold themselves back from those they care about and what I particularly like is that I don’t really ever do that. It will eat me up if I have to sit on something and wonder about it forever.
- I don’t have internal conflicts about things, either. What you see is what you get. I am very decisive (as I’m sure everyone has noticed) and even when I’m second guessing myself a bit, I still know that I make good sound decisions and will act accordingly.
- I love hard. Super hard. Not just people, but things. I also know that loving things means letting them be as they are and sometimes loving something or someone means letting it/them go. I don’t struggle with this.
- I will push for what I want in my life. I don’t settle for mediocre in anything and never have. Never will.
- I have survived and am a good person because of what I’ve been through. I’m smart. I’m capable. I’m a warrior. And most days I am very well aware of that. I conduct myself with integrity and with consistency. I am really hard on myself but at the end of the day, I’ll either learn how to do more or I won’t. I don’t worry about it.
- Touch is super important to me. I mentioned in my other post that although I crave it I am also terrified of it. That is very true, and is one of the only things that truly scares me. What I like about this, though, is that when I allow myself to give in to it, I’m open enough to soak it up and give it back.
I do love myself with all of these little imperfections and moments of uncertainty. It might not always look like it, and sometimes I might forget it, but there is a flip side to every coin. Every rose to every thorn. Every sunrise following a sunset. I am eternally a child of the crossroads and I wouldn’t change a damned thing about it ❤
