I saw you again today while we were pulling into the store parking lot. I acknowledged that you were there, but you didn’t see me. Not even for an instant. I’m not part of your consciousness yet. I’m not something you can even wrap your brain around existing.
I watched you pass by me in your oblivious stupor and I bowed my head as I moved forward. You’re the me I was 910 days ago, and I’m the you that you think can never happen.
We meet every so often now, me seeing you so clearly before you ever become a reality, you never seeing me or even wanting to know if I’m there. I see you when I cross thresholds to old haunts, when I try something new and wonder at how differently you would have handled it, when I cry at night, and when I clap my hands in triumph that I’ve moved so far away from you.
I’m the you that has moved on with her life, the you that has so many plans and dreams and aspirations again. I’m the you who tries hard not to look back and has made very conscious decisions to be happy and thrive again.
I’m the you who will struggle with self image again, the you who will question yourself harder than you ever have in your life, the you who will pick up and leave to a place you don’t know – only to return a completely different person. I’m the you who will struggle hard with anxiety that you can’t recognize at first because you don’t remember feeling it before. I’m the you who you will eventually strive for. I’m the you who sees the duality of who you are and who I am in everything on a daily basis. I’m the you who misses him more than you ever thought possible, even more than you do now because you haven’t yet felt the sting of a life where it’s just you on a daily basis as much. I’m the you who will pick us up by our bootstraps, change our lives, and WANT things again. I’m the you who will bring you happiness again – true happiness. And I’m going to screw that up a few times along the way and I’m sorry for those times.
I want to magically appear for you somewhere. Show up in your path, hold you by your shoulders, shake you violently into knowing I’m there. I want to tell you that you’ll heal. That the world will start to feel like it’s spinning again. I want to tell you that you’re beautiful…that even with every flaw you see in the mirror when you look, the tears in your eyes and the scars on your soul have done nothing but make you even more human and gorgeous as a person. I want to tell you that you’ll love again – that the possibility is there because of who you are, not because of how far you will go. You are love and it is your super power.
I want you to know that none of it is your fault. You will wake up every day and have to give yourself a reason to do it. You’ll have to have list of people who will be sad if you die to remind yourself to keep living. You’ll have to remind yourself to eat, to drink, to breathe. People are going to hurt you again. You might not think that’s possible, but it is. Your heart, no matter how damaged, can still be broken. Remember that. The breaks that are coming for you will rock your soul again in ways you can’t anticipate. And no matter what you think that says about you, it doesn’t. It isn’t your fault. What’s happening to you now isn’t your fault. What other people do is a mark of their character, not yours. There is nothing wrong with you.
Keep going. Strive to be happy. I will meet you again at every crossroads and I will remind you of how amazing you are at each turn.
