The sad truth for me is that no matter how much I throw at this, it does come back. Maybe not so intense, maybe not as long, but it does come back. Every single time.
My urges to withdraw from people come on pretty fast and hard with little to no warning. It starts with a general sense of dis-ease that I’m getting in the way but then grows into a full blown week or 2 of my brain telling me to distance as much as possible…that it will hurt less to lose everyone if I do it first….that they won’t notice. That they won’t care. That I’ll be one less thing. That loss is inevitable and to accept it as being the constant of my life. To put space between myself and those I love because I don’t want them to see something they won’t like and disappear.
I need to emphasize here that I know this is complete and utter bullshit, that I combat this urge to release and distance by acting as normal as I can..reaching out, conversing, being present. I also tend to be “overly checky” at this point, and rather than wondering if what’s happening in my head is true…I ask. I ask and I accept the answer. Never once has someone I cared about turned back to me and told me that they were glad I said something first and that space sounded like a good idea. Never once. Not in this context, anyway. And I know that. It is hard, but I know that. And the people I care about enough to actually check this are, for the most part, aware that this happens. I second guess everything I say and do during these periods, too, which is actually a pretty good thing. I might be overly apologetic about “taking up space” but the people I care about enough to do that with are pretty good at shutting that particular thought train down. My thoughts can get very, very, very mean during this time and it’s important that I have people I can confide in about it. And I do.
So, I win another round with this – and I know it will come again – but I’m always ready to go..fists up…weapons drawn. It may get the first punch..but it won’t ever get the last.
