I feel like starting out this blog by saying “So….How are you all doing?” would likely be an eye roller moment. You’ve likely been asked that a million times. I know I have.
Really, how are you doing? How’s life? Are you Happy? Are you Scared? Are you struggling?
How long has it been since I touched these pages? Too long.
So…here we are…March 2020. I’ve been with my current job for just over a year, making a name for myself. Kicking ass, taking names. You guys know me: Excellence is what I strive for. I’m back in college full time, which is a goal I’ve been reaching for pretty much since I realized I needed to get my bachelor’s degree almost 10 years ago. It’ll take me until I’m 36, almost 37 to finish, go figure. No shame in that, either. It just is what it is..or as my Dad used to say..”You made different choices. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
I’m also just over a year post diagnosis for my CPTSD, didn’t return to therapy after my initial 6 sessions last year because HOLY SHIT DID LIFE GET BUSY and I thought I could handle stuff on my own. I figured out some triggers, some new things that I didn’t realize set me off necessarily. Turns out that I have a touch of SADD (which I knew) and, despite my thinking so, cannot manage that without a UV light and a lot of reassurance from people that I’m not an awful, stressful thing. Honestly….it’s probably more the former. If I shut up and did as I was told with the Happy Light…people probably wouldn’t have to give me coffee, pet me, and tell me I’m pretty.
All kidding aside, 2019 was a time of transformation for me and those that I love and care about. We grew more, chose different paths, created new paths, and blazed forward or sideways depending on who we’re talking about. I had some truly amazing moments in 2019 that helped me get to a place I wanted to be, brought me closer to those I wanted to be closer to, and created a crap ton of amazing memories that I’m hoping I get the opportunity to repeat at some point in the near future.
Then. We get to March 2020 and Covid-19 becomes a pandemic. I’m not going to bombard you with literally anything about that except to say: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a once in a lifetime history lesson that I REALLY hope you are paying attention to and are staying safe from. Seattle, where I live an work, was on the forefront of this fight and we are finally seeing a slowing. It’s been uncomfortable for a lot of people, but we are getting there. Slowly but surely, we’ll get through this together. I do truly believe that.
My mental health has largely been stable through this whole thing because I grew up in a world of chaos and uncertainty. This is, fortunately or unfortunately, familiar territory for me and my issues. I feel a weird sense of…calm? Maybe? You know that spot you hit when you’re so stressed and scared that you really just can’t feel it anymore? I have a feeling this is that.
The only thing I am noticing is the need for reassurance is pretty high. I’m feeling the need to step back and fade into the wall for the people I care about which, in turn, is making the feelings of inadequacy, fear, and anxiety heighten on the end of my relationships but…the crisis itself? No. That’s easy. Stay home when you can. Wash your hands. Don’t touch your face. Do homework. Play video games. Enjoy things: That’s easy for an introvert. What I’m finding the MOST scary of everything is the prospect of losing people I love – either to death or by just..being who I am right now. I’m getting around this by remembering that I’m the QUEEN of WHY and learning to be the QUEEN OF OMG WHY? is super, vitally important.
This isn’t a side of me that I enjoy showing or feeling. This crisis management side isn’t fun. Effective in the long run, sure. But not fun. And it will crash on me once this whole thing is over, it always does.
So….if you are struggling right now. If there is chaos and terror just on the edge of your consciousness, if you feel years of work unraveling, or if you’re strangely calm but you know the storm is waiting inside….I hear you. I See you.
I have no intention of fading into the Night quietly. I sincerely hope you don’t either.
Take care of yourselves all ❤
