It is easier to Hansel and Gretle my way back from the depths of symptoms once the clouds have started to pull up a bit. I’ll start to see the sunlight through the trees again, so to speak, and set upon the tireless task of retracing my steps back to myself.
I know this is a lot of metaphor, but there’s a reason for it – I promise.
I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This means, in a nutshell, that I have something that was caused by prolonged, repeated exposure to severe trauma. I have no problem discussing this trauma and in fact generally welcome it! Not because I want anyone to pity me or anything, only because it is easier to understand me that way. How did I become Sara in the version that I am now?
For me there are some classic symptoms that come along with this, and when the depression and anxiety get bad enough, I often forget them. I forget that I’m not broken. I forget that I’m beautiful. I forget that I’m Sara – Plain and Tall. And it can be really hard to come back from.
Example?
My fear of the dark gets worse when I’m struggling with severe stress. Having someone with me stops this, believe it or not, but when I’m in bed by myself..there’s almost always a light on somewhere. And yes, I’m publicly admitting to being afraid of the dark when I’m alone. One of my abuser’s favorite games when I was a child was to turn all of the lights in the house off, lock one of my others sisters across the house in a dark cupboard, and then tell whoever wasn’t locked in to rush to get the other out. Said abuser would randomly pop out of corners and knock me to the ground or hurt me in some other fashion so that I never made it to my screaming other sibling who was begging to be let out. Said abuser would spend hours doing this until we tired ourselves out or we got knocked unconscious. The dark isn’t safe to me, no matter how many times I check my room and reassure 34 year old me in my own house that no one is there.
Another example?
Silence is anger to me. You can tell me until you’re blue in the face that everything is fine but if I say something emotional and there is no response? I’ll assume I’ve made you mad. It will spin in my head for hours, fighting the urge to ask if you’re upset and the knowledge that I’m so likely full of it. This stems from years of affection and/or lack of affection being used as a punishment. I wouldn’t get spoken to for days and then that would be followed with being harmed repeatedly. I would be left scrambling to get back in the good graces of my abuser before something even worse happened. I didn’t want to be on their bad side. Fawning is my most acute response to emotional discomfort and trauma.
I also spent many years of my life being told that I was worthless, useless, dumb, that I would never do anything or be anything special, that I wasn’t loved and wasn’t worth loving, and that no matter what I did – everyone would leave me. I’d be desired but not wanted long term. That my body was built for one thing, that I was ugly and disgusting, and that someday I’d be grateful for never thinking I was special.
When my thoughts are incredibly noisy, that is the tape that plays. It’s the negative thought train to end all thought trains. I’ll start thinking that Alex died so he wouldn’t have to put up with me anymore, and of course that makes sense, because I’m *insert said tape up above*. It will make more sense to me that the people I care about don’t want to be around me and my overall arching desire to let go will be overwhelming. I’ll fight to not fade into the wall, but the desire to disappear is…strong. The strongest sensation I’ve got. It makes sense to me suddenly that relationships are hard to create and maintain, that people will pull away eventually, and it’s just going to be me at the end of the day. I repeat to myself that I don’t want to hurt anyone, and hurting people is what I’m good at.
Now…the somewhat good side of this is that I have a very strong WTF is WRONG WITH ME?!?!?! response to this generally speaking. I can hear the people who planted these seeds in my head and I can tell them to shut up. I remind myself that I am loved. That no one has ever left my life because of something I did or said. That I’ve spent WAY too much of my life fighting back out to be positive and everything that makes me 100% who I am and want to be has nothing to do with what happened to me.
I. Am. Not. What. Happened. To. Me. And, if you’re still reading this, neither are you.
I urge you to read up about CPTSD, it’s symptoms and treatments, and how you can throw these little breadcrumbs for yourself.
Find. Safe. People. In. Your. Life. I cannot stress this to you enough. Find people that don’t mind answering your reassurance questions a million times, while knowing it has nothing to do with anything they’re doing or not doing. Make sure you have safe space. And make sure to hold safe space.
Hopefully, some day, we’ll all reach our place in the sun.
For more information, please visit
- https://www.healthline.com/health/cptsd
- https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322886
- https://psychcentral.com/ptsd/complex-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-symptoms/
You aren’t alone.
