I have made every attempt, in the last few months, to convince myself that the things I’m experiencing are small and insignificant compared to what is happening in the world right now. And that might be really true. I’m just tired of being….well…tired.
So…I started the first steps toward heading back into therapy for my C-PTSD.
I said it earlier today, and I’ll apparently have to remind myself of this often, but can I write a treatment plan for a client with my eyes closed? Yes. Can I create goals, objectives, interventions, help people move toward healing and toward what their best life looks like? Yes. Can I psych myself? Maybe. Can I diagnose myself? Maybe. Will that stop me from having a mental health disorder? No. Does the diagnosis, the understanding, the ability to pick it apart stop the symptoms? No. It can slow them down, sure! But it doesn’t stop it. And I need to stop pretending like it will.
So, today I was tasked with mapping out my symptoms to pass on to my new therapist. I’m working with my employee assistance program to find said new therapist, so they wanted me to get the ball rolling a bit so that I had something to start with. This is important only because..I work in this field. I have done this with clients. I have walked this path with others. And it feels healing when I’m doing it for others. It feels selfish and wrong when I’m doing it for myself. So…having a list of start points, they think, will help me push past my adversarial view of the whole process.
How does this manifest for me?
- Re-current nightmares and flash backs. This is also accompanied by a life long battle with sleep disturbances: night terrors, sleep walking, sleep talking, sleep eating, sleep emailing..etc. Insomnia has been ever present and sleep paralysis episodes started in my pre-teens.
- People pleasing. Seriously. Being a “yes” person has gotten me far in my career and in my life. I fawn as a way of protecting myself. It’s what’s made me so good at what I do.
- That brings me to my next point: hyper awareness of others. Changes in behavior, changes in vocal tone, changes in gait or overall demeanor, changes in anything about a person will catch my attention and I WILL notice and respond accordingly.
- Silence meaning anger. I really dislike this particular one. I assume that people are mad if they are suddenly not talking for some reason. I’ve worked really hard to combat this but the way I combat it is by being “less” present and giving people space when they don’t necessarily need it or want it.
- Which brings up the next point – I like to think that I have my stuff together when it comes to relationships – romantic or otherwise. It’s bravado at best. I pep-talk myself before I reach out to people first every. single. time. “No..you aren’t being annoying by saying Hi. You aren’t being annoying by asking how someone is. You aren’t annoying. It’s okay to show you care”. It’s exhausting. My brain is constantly telling me that it would be better for everyone if I didn’t exist in their lives. That I’m bad in some way. That I have upset or angered in some way. That I talk too much or care too much or (insert whatever you want to put here) too much. I will routinely check in to make sure this isn’t the case when I can’t get the thoughts to stop spinning..and omg it will spin for days if I decide to not check. I call it being “overly checky” but really…it’s because my worst case scenario is being too much for the people I care about. It impacts every relationship I have, whether I like it or not.
- Triggers caused by unexpected loud noises or bangs, depictions of emotional or physical torture, being yelled at (especially by men), and other things. I’ve worked REALLY REALLY hard creating opportunities for me to remove myself from what’s causing the trigger and re-focusing over the course of time but this definitely wasn’t always the case and it DEFINITELY doesn’t always work.
- Majorly negative self image/self view. I like who I am in general, however; when the negative thought trains come rushing down the tracks..they come with a vengeance.
- Disassociation from myself within the context of my trauma.
- Mistrust in myself. Usually this manifests with other people in CPTSD, but for me…I trust people I care about almost too much. I don’t trust my judgment at all, though. I also have a hard time trusting people with my physical person..meaning physical relationships for me can be difficult as I don’t always know what the “motive” is.
- I have a hard time expressing how I feel. This is going to be a weird one for anyone who knows me really well because I combat this by talking about how I’m feeling as much as I can…it’s a way to cope with feeling like I need to keep my mouth shut.
And you know the messed up thing? Most of the time..I’m aware that this isn’t logical. I’m aware that I’m good as a person, that I accomplish awesome things, that I give others safe space and that I love with everything I’ve got…it’s my superpower. I know I’m a good person. It doesn’t change ^ from happening..and I am trying to learn to accept that. That being superwoman doesn’t mean always being SuperWoman.
Onward on this journey..again…..which isn’t small or insignificant as I tend to imagine it. I’m tired of doing things on my own. I’m tired of having my back to the wall. I don’t want to hurt those around me by making them think that this has anything to do with them. And I want to heal. I deserve that. And I know it.
