How did you phrase it earlier this week in between other drunken ramblings? Before I wrote your name on piece of paper and symbolically threw it in the freezer to cool you off and get you out of my life?
Oh. Right. Why am I scared to be loved? Am I so determined to be unloved and alone?
It’s an interesting thing when someone pulls at one of the knives you’ve left in place to keep yourself from bleeding all over everything and everyone else. And I told you that you got it wrong. You got me completely wrong like most people often do. You said that I’m afraid that real love isn’t real. That because I’d never experienced being loved the way YOU could love me, that I didn’t know what it was like. And I told you that you were wrong again. I feel that love inside me every single day toward others. I don’t need to feel it back to know that it exists.
You got the fear wrong. See..the problem isn’t that I’m afraid to be loved or that I’m somehow bound and determined to be alone for the rest of forever. On the contrary..the prospect of that scares me probably more than anything else on the planet does.
I refuse to bleed on someone who didn’t cut me.
I spent my entire relationship and marriage knowing that I was always, 100%, without any doubt whatsoever, second. Always. It was made clear. I was constantly compared to the real love of my husband’s life and the realization that I was a placeholder for what couldn’t be was something that was ever present for me. I made my choices. I stick by those choices. I was used and abused, you said, and that is true to one degree or another. It is because of that that I chose to heal my wounds rather than ever do that to someone else.
Now, you say I’m not capable of that. I don’t think I am either. I love with everything I have in me. THAT is what haunts me. THAT is what I’m so violently protective of now. It’s not the terror of someone else’s feelings. It’s knowing that I’m a ride or die in a throw away world. It’s knowing my worth AND not wanting someone to ever have to question it. It’s wanting to find someone who makes me not have to question it. It’s not even wanting to be first. It’s not wanting the fucking knives to be mirrors of each other.
I stand accused of treason. You believing yourself the King of all knowledge and my believing you to be anything but and calling it out in every way that I can. Your name is in my freezer and is struck from every platform where it once stood. And someday when I feel like the love and light I have to give to someone else is wanted and is held sacred, I will let it flow.
Not a drop of my blood will rest on the soul of someone who doesn’t deserve it. Perhaps you should consider the same.
