I remember being told that having fantasies of my husband coming back was normal in the first year following his death. That thought followed me everywhere – was he in that car that was following me a little too close? Was he the one calling when my phone rang? Was he that text? Was he that knock at the door? How did he find out I moved to Ohio? Did I imagine him dying? Why would I have imagined something like that? Would he think I abandoned him? Would he be mad?
Oh god…he’s going to be mad.
And where normally people find solace in the idea that their loved one is returning to save them, I found that it the idea filled me with fear. Even in that first year, I had changed so much from the version of myself that existed as part of “Alex&Sara “that I doubted he would have even wanted me if he randomly popped back into existence. It was a constant battle between wanting to grow and heal and find out what was going to happen next and being sucked back into a loop of guilt and wanting to remain the same so he’d come home.
I am somewhat weirdly happy to report that death is, indeed, forever and I have accepted that. My psyche has accepted that. I don’t look for him. I don’t dream of him. I don’t expect him to be waiting around every corner. I’ve moved past that. We are quickly approaching year 5 and SO MUCH has changed. I have changed. I can feel and see the clear links in the healing process now and where I am isn’t a place I could have imagined being several years ago. One of the things that he and I used to joke about was the whole “what would you do without me?” thing…one of those random things that couples say to each other when looking for an ego stroke from something nice we’d just done. I used to say something to annoy him like…”I definitely would never sleep with a top sheet again” since he hated that I disliked that particular thing. Turns out…what I have done without him has been way beyond the parameters of annoying him and instead has become my being proud of myself.
I feel like if he came back tomorrow, I could hand him a list of accomplishments as some badge of honor.
- Moved cross country from Seattle to Ohio a month after he died.
- Bought my first house.
- Got a huge promotion I’d been working for YEARS to get.
- Ran my own program and region for the company I was working for and had an absolute blast learning and growing with folks.
- Have made connections with people I never thought would actually exist in my world, much less on this planet.
- Started to heal and make moves to be happy.
- Lost that job. Immediately worked through the pros and cons with my Mom (who lives with me and has since 2016), my sisters, and my friends.
- Put my house on the market and sold it in under 2 months with enough of a profit to fund my..
- 2nd move cross country from Ohio to Seattle since my company had a position open here. Packed up the house, got Mom and the cats (I have cats now!) in the car and drove the week back up to Seattle.
- Changed jobs once I got here for more stability, changed jobs again for more money and prestige.
- Lost 150 lbs between February 2019 and March 2020. Low carbs, low calories, and walking 5-7 miles a day! Total weight loss between 2016 and 2020? 255 lbs. I’m literally half me.
- Kissed a guy I was really wanting to and feel 100% safe with (Might not seem like a big one for anybody else, definitely is for me).
- Started real therapy and finally started to understand WTF my problem is.
- Got accepted to and started back to college after a 11 year hiatus. (And aced my first few semesters I might add)
- SURVIVED A GODDAMNED PANDEMIC
- Changed jobs again 3 months into the pandemic for the sake of my happiness and stress level. Still leading a team, but working more full on with helping others.
- Run my house, pay my bills, take care of Mom, run a blog, volunteer with my apartment complex to assist those in need here and teach them how to access services.
- Changed schools, changed majors, looking at 2 different credentials and talking about Grad school.
- Got fully vaccinated and am actively working to encourage everyone to do the same.
- Started a Podcast
- Healed. Really, truly healed.
- Changed my last name back and took ownership of how far I’ve come.
The question was never What would I do without you…..the question was how long was I going to stand in my own way to becoming who I want to if you aren’t in the picture. And turns out…I’ve accomplished more than either of us ever thought I could. I’m ready to take on the next steps of my life now..whatever those look like…and truly be proud of how far I’ve come.
Take stock of the things you have survived and the things you have achieved, all. Sometimes having that list to hang on to will be one of the only things getting you through to the other side.
Stay safe! Get your vaccine!
