Some of our biggest rules in our relationship were always no lying, being open, being honest, never holding back. We moved as a unit though we were still individuals. There was no omitting anything, no secrets, no walls between us. And I trusted you above all others to never pull the “you’re better off and I’m going to help you see that” card because you swore you never would.
And…you did it anyway.
What would have been our 8th wedding anniversary is on Monday and I keep vacillating between peace and acceptance of the last 3 years and…intense anger. It sucks the breath right out of me sometimes. I try not to dwell on it because..well…you of all people know how hard I have worked to control feeling anger or resentment in my life. My goal has always been peace, tranquility, emotional intelligence and the ability to see WHY something was happening rather than the WHAT right off the bat.
I accepted that you always did whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, and that being with you meant constantly being 2nd or 3rd. I knew that from the get go. You loved me, yes. You loved me more than you ever thought you could, yes. That love ultimately led you to decide that I was better off without you.
I watched you give up.
I fought you SO FUCKING HARD not to. I begged you. I poured myself into us and crawled on my knees to get us back. And in the end..it didn’t matter. You’d decided that I deserved better..that my life would be better…that I would be happier without you. You traded your life for mine. And I will never, ever, ever stop hating that.
I don’t know how to not be mad at you for it. I don’t know how to not be mad that you said you hoped I’d die first because it would be easier to live without me than the other way around.
I sometimes imagine what you would think about who I am now, what I am now, what I’ve done and accomplished. It has been hard..but I’m here. And I’m happy with my life. I’m working toward my goals. I want to love again, laugh again, have a family of people around me..and that’s my last puzzle piece. That is what you took from me.
I hate people deciding what I should and shouldn’t have in my life and removing themselves from it because I “deserve better”. What does that even mean? What do I deserve? And why can’t I make that decision on my own? It’s such a coward’s way out. And you were no coward. You made a series of stupid decisions, though, based on nothing but your inability to see the forest for the trees and I’ve spent the last 3 years of my life HATING IT. A small part even hating you: hating that the one person I knew could never hurt me…did it anyway. And not on accident.
Being your life partner was one of the best decisions I ever made. You made me laugh, made me smile, made me wake up every day knowing I was loved. You knew all my secrets and all of who I am and who I was. And in the end: you used it to justify leaving me behind like you swore you’d never do. It made me question EVERYTHING and I still question it. I don’t trust my feelings anymore. I don’t know how to bring my walls down without keeping a piece up and doing a vicious cycle of destruction and construction on them. I want to let someone in completely again. And what kills me the most is that going through what we went through together…has all but destroyed my ability to gauge how to do that. I want to be safe enough to be vulnerable and just be me again. I want to be seen fully again. And for the life of me..I don’t know how. I don’t know how anymore. I trusted you more than anyone to never make me afraid again: but here we are. And I wish I could stop this underlying anger at you for that. I know how hard you fought.
I just also know how hard you gave up at the end..and even though you thought you were doing it for me…you weren’t here to see how wrong you were. And you never will be. And that is my color wheel to bear.
